Most police forces reject the idea of no-go areas. However, I can report that a new Devon and Cornwall Police strategy recommends that there should be two in South Devon.
The first is Dawlish where the police now believe that the devil should look after his own. Attempts to infiltrate the town by plain clothes officers masquerading as drug addicts and alcoholics have proved unsuccessful because their cover was blown when locals noticed that uniformed police never took any action against them, no matter what crimes they committed. Meanwhile the sacrifices on The Lawn have continued unabated. Relations between the police and the town finally broke down when half a dozen black swans were elected to the town council and a peacock chosen as mayor.
More important is the case of Totnes. The report suggests that dealing with incidents involving centaurs or homeopathy can not be regarded as within the police brief. In the words of the strategy, “We consider the place to be an intrusion from another universe or a temporal anomaly, rather than part of South Devon proper. You get people arguing over exchange rates between conceptual Pieces of Eight and real Totnes Pounds or how many organic goose eggs you should give for a hand knitted quilt to protect your tree fern from frost. People walk around smiling or just sit and think. They try to bribe you with mosaic toothbrushes or painted stones and, if you refuse, they curse you. It is always disconcerting for officers to be cursed but, in Totnes, it usually results in something very unpleasant happening. At least one of our officers was turned into a handsome prince and has become even more overbearing and self-important.”
The strategy is not to be made public and nothing will appear to have changed. A specially trained team of officers and an otherwise redundant sniffer dog will continue to file incident reports and paperwork related to charges against fictional people with names chosen from the works of Charles Dickens. Another team will then arrest inarticulate, mentally-ill and homeless people to bring before the courts charged with the fictional crimes under the fictional names. Although the courts will be unaware of the deception, they will continue to convict and sentence them as normal, allowing the police to demonstrate an impressive clear-up rate.
It has been agreed with the Herald Express that the newspaper will continue to act as a vehicle for propaganda and print press releases from the police without questioning their accuracy.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose, or, as we say in Devon, Sodemall.
Don Pearson.
Undiscriminating, indiscriminate, non-discriminatory.
Please 