General Discussion

I have been sent this copy of a letter from my friend Piet to Teignmouth Council. Do any readers think that it would worth his also contacting Dawlish Town Council? Dear Sirs, I have recently moved to Teignmouth after a long stay in Thailand, following misunderstandings over the contents of my luggage and the exact age of my girlfriend. Despite my upbringing in the Dutch Reformed Church, I have been an atheist for many years. I now feel, as time creeps past me, that it would be wise to adopt a religion as an investment for a possible future life, in the same way as I made pension provisions, little expecting that I would live to collect it. Yet, here I am in my sixties. I have led something of a life of adventure and am rather concerned that some of my actions could be seen as falling short of the standards imposed by an almighty god as prerequisites for a satisfactory afterlife. I was employed in the South African Security Services before the kaffirs took over and then as a mercenary. This led me into situations where I may have been over-exuberant, both when in action and when not. I have embarked on a preliminary study to select a religion that suits my position, maximizing the possible benefits, while imposing only strictures that suit my temperament. Looking at the major religions of the world, I note that, other than for Christianity and some of its bizarre offshoots, there is no established provision for devotees within Teignmouth, in the form of synagogues, mosques or temples. I also observe that each of these religions has many divisions and sects. It is clear from this that there is considerable scope for setting up a new branch of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism or Hinduism, tailoring it to one’s requirements. This and the lack of current provision have given me the idea that I could set up my own religion from scratch, using a mix and match approach. For example, I like the idea of pilgrimage but I am unable to return to Israel, India or Saudi Arabia, all of whom believe that, on occasions, I batted and bowled for opposite sides in the same match, as we say. However, given a free hand, I could specify that pilgrimage to Tahiti is essential. I have found in the past that problems can arise through ignorance of local laws and customs, however quaint they may appear to be to an outsider. I would, therefore, appreciate the council’s guidance while I am still at a preliminary stage Do you foresee any problems with the setting up of my new religion and having it registered as a charity? Although I could designate my own home as a temple, in some ways it might be preferable to take over one of the lesser used churches in town, especially as the tantric sex rituals may require a reasonable amount of space. I have little doubt that, with the help of a few former colleagues, I could persuade the current occupiers to vacate the Spiritualist Church or Christadelphian Hall. Which course of action would you advise? The use of hallucinogens is common in many religions and I certainly feel closer to heaven when I have used them. There are many such drugs that have yet to be seen in UK. As most of them are derived from plants, I believe that I could market them as both natural and organic and provide an income in this way. Would this be acceptable? Many of the young people of Teignmouth seem to lack a sense of direction and I can promise you that I shall make every effort to recruit adherents from amongst them. Presumably you would not object to this? I am proposing to carry out sacrifices, initially restricted to small animals such as cats, dogs, rabbits and seagulls. Would it be possible to build a small altar for this purpose on the Den? I trust that you will look favourably on these requests and can assure you that, should you do so, a reasonable portion of the income of the religion will be made available to you, together with the services of the temple prostitutes of either sex. Yours faithfully Piet van Snoek

come on Donald, you really REALLY have too much time on your hands if you are posting stuff like this... I was right, I am too young to be on here, even during middle age...

Welcome back, FEL-699, I always worry when people call me Donald. They are usually telling me off. Two exceptions: My parents always call me Donald (wait a minute - they are always telling me off) My own conversations between Donald and Don (but I never listen, so I don't know what they are about or which I am) Don