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Whoever said British holidays were back in must have forgotten the soggy reality
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From The Sunday Times
August 24, 2008
The wind, the rain, the child-hating waiters . . .
Whoever said British holidays were back in must have forgotten the soggy reality
Eleanor Mills

This year it was all about the stay-cation; a mixture of the credit crunch and green one-upmanship was leading the most unlikely types to boast about how they were shunning their usual couple of weeks in the south of France or Tuscany for a fortnight on the British Riviera. Boden catalogues were being thumbed, cashmere cardies and sundresses packed . . .

Well, aren’t we regretting it now. Last week I came back from my two-week summer holiday spent under growling grey skies, sheltering behind a windbreak, where my garment of choice wasn’t my new swimming costume but a trusty North Face waterproof. Sunglasses? Pah. A sundress? Are you joking? I wore my thermals.

First we went to Dorset (renamed Pour-set by my five-year-old because it didn’t stop raining once). Then we battled up the A350 (constant roundabouts and lorries; it took longer than it would have done to get to Turkey) to the Cotswolds. I’d bought a new hammock and I didn’t get to sit in it once. And then the grand finale. Four days in Devon. Optimistically I said to the kids, “Don’t worry - Devon is heaven.” Granted, it wasn’t quite Pour-set: we got two sunny but breezy mornings. And then it rained again. This time it was torrential - and we were camping at a music festival.

One night it was so wet that when I rolled over in my sleeping bag I felt the mud go squelch underneath the tent. Yuck. We looked like refugees caught in some muddy hell. And that was before the walk to the chemically sweet, noxious, heave-inducing portable toilets.

I’m sorry to moan but I know I’m not alone. My two weeks off were punctuated by texts and calls from similarly bedraggled and gloomy friends. “What’s the five-day forecast?” texted one from her camp-site on the Isle of Wight. “Feeling a bit grim - had to pack up at 5am as tent blew away. All soaked. Grrrrr.” I was unable to offer any succour. The five-day forecast on the BBC read: showers, showers, showers, heavy rain, heavy rain.

Sunshine is not a prerequisite for a happy holiday, but in August a little bit certainly helps. I’m not an idiot: I didn’t expect it to be 30C; I know Lyme Regis is not Amalfi. But, honestly, it felt more like November. I’d envisaged sunny days lounging around outside, living close to nature, playing, blowing bubbles - some al fresco dining. In fact the children spent most of the time inside, drawing pictures or watching videos (thank God for Finding Nemo and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang), while I conjured up the kind of hearty mission - wet walks, improving visits to sopping National Trust gardens, riding - that I’d dreaded as a child.

I’m glad to say that we didn’t resort to brass-rubbing (always my mother’s most dire threat). But we did go (oh glamour) to the West Midland Safari Park, which had fantastic white lions and tigers, shivering elephants, a horrific amusement park and obesity on a US scale. The cost was staggering: adults and kids £10.50 each, so including grandma that was £50 before we’d even bought an ice-cream - and the rides were extra.

When it comes to the credit crunch you are better off on a package tour to the Med: a stay-cation doesn’t come cheap. Fleeing the drenched festival, we stopped for breakfast at a Little Chef on the A303: £40, it cost, for a few beans, rubbery scrambled egg and carton orange juice. What a rip-off. I thought fondly of fresh baguettes, confiture and croissants . . .

The food is definitely a downside to holidaying in Britain. At the seaside we ate our body weight in English breakfasts, cream teas and fish and chips - the only food on offer. I sympathised with pals who were giving up on Dorset and going to northern France this week, not because they expected better weather (they were resigned to the drizzle) but because they couldn’t face prowling round another branch of Spar trying to find something they wanted to eat. (Certainly I fell upon the 24-hour Tesco outside Exmouth: rocket - oh joy! Olives - bliss. Decent wine - hallelujah.)

Eating out in rural Britain is generally a joyless experience typified by possibly the worst restaurant meal of my life in a posh pub called The Anchor Inn in Burton Bradstock. It promised local fish lovingly cooked, but was straight out of Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. The food was overcomplicated (everything stuffed with something else and smothered in the same glutinous sauce). Even worse was their attitude: despite turning up when the place was empty at 6.30pm with hungry children, we were told they wouldn't even put our order into the kitchen until 7.15pm because it would irritate the chef. When my pregnant sister-in-law asked for just a potato they said she had to order a main course or go hungry. And the disgusting food was about £20 per main course. This rudeness was unfortunately widespread.

Another notable example was in Budleigh Salterton, where in the driving rain we headed for The Cosy Teapot. Warm cheer was in short supply: instead of a dry perch and a cream tea we were greeted with a sign saying, “No children under 10 allowed inside”. I was livid. If a cafe posted a sign saying no disabled people or no black people there would be an outcry. Then, when I read last week that there are now more pensioners in Britain than there are children, I understood what the future holds.

Expect children to become even more personae non gratae and a nation where grumpy old bags rule the roost with their child-catcher nets at the ready. Large tracts of the south coast are already oldies-only zones where families venture at their peril. It made me think longingly of a sunny holiday in Cyprus where the restaurant owners cheerily played games with our toddler so that we could eat our dinner in peace. I cursed our cold geriatric island.

It wasn’t all bad - we had exhilarating chilly swims (my brave girls going blue with cold); hilarious blitz spirit jokes - I haven’t giggled so much for years; and family chats and cuddles while the rain poured down. We certainly hung out, a lot. And since wet afternoons with small children often seem never to end, I guess my holiday felt longer than usual.

Next year we’ll be heading for the Med. See you there.

+ One great delight in all the rain was reading The Rainbow by D H Lawrence. What everyone forgets in all the Mellors, Lady Chatterley sex/class fog that surrounds this great author is just how brilliantly he describes feeling.

Unlike any modern writer he gets to the heart of what it means to be human, why two souls connect, the essence and flux of passion: how one moment you can hate someone and the next love them passionately. And Lawrence was so ahead of his time in his descriptions of independent women who work and love and live on their own terms.

On Chesil beach briefly, I watched as two rainbows arched over my head; both literary and real, the rainbows were the highlight of my holiday.

Well done for the article you certainly put those moaning minnies on the defensive, we too were victims of The Cosy Teapots age discrimination and had to cram 5 on a table for two outside when there was plenty of room inside, Not quite the definition of Cosy we had in mind.

Kathryn Griffiths, Chelmsford, U.K.

I think the "no children under 10" sign absolutely stinks. It just about typifies the miserable, grumpy, joyless, English. The Italians, Greeks, etc, are wonderful with kids and cannot believe the way we treat ours. Try putting up a "no persons over 65" sign, what fuss there would be then!

Steve Olley, Colchester, UK

The "Cosy Teapot" is a very small cafe. That sign also reads "pushchairs not allowed" as the place is really too small for them. Budleigh is known for its tearooms and most would not have had a problem admitting your family. I am sure Amalfi will welcome you next year.

Anne of Budleigh, Budleigh Salterton, UK

You know, I think I might have been tucked away inside The Cosy Teapot when you were outside in the rain. The Cosy Teappot also doesn't allow mobiles, which is fabulous. I get to enjoy my delicious food and fabulous tea in peace and quiet, as do the full-time residents of Budleigh.

Eirian, London, London

A necessity for a British beach holiday is a wet suite and a body board. Once equiped the kids will keep themselves amused for hours and no turning blue.

Robert, Worcester, UK

Modern parents don't seem to understand the difference between kids having fun and being disruptive. It's also dangerous to let kids run about where waiters are carrying hot food and drink, but parents often blame everyone but themselves for any accidents. No wonder families aren't always welcome!

Janice Roxburgh, Glasgow, UK

'grumpy old bags'. Do you give lessons?

roger sykes, christchurch,

Oh! A cold vacation sounds quite lovely. My family of four is staying home this summer. It's 92 degrees Fahrenheit in my little corner of South Texas. Actually, that is pretty cool for this time of year. Doesn't pay to go outside...

Kathleen, Brenham, USA

do you think he food you get in italy as a tourist is much better than your scrambled eggs? deluded!

Mike Torelli, Berlin, Germany

So what if children are excluded from some eateries? There are sufficient alternatives available to allow these those of us in search of child-free havens to enjoy ourselves. Why do parents think that their children are as endearing to others as they are to themselves? Believe me, they're not.

Mark, Ely, UK

Try the Lake District next year. It's friendly and wonderful And the South Lakes Safari park is amazing, even if the free-ranging animals can be scary (we discovered that ostriches are great muggers, and that my 2 year old can even sleep through the head splitting screeching of lemurs!)

Karen, Southend-on-Sea, UK

The comment about Little Chef struck a chord--They dared serve me a portion of baked beans consisting of exactly 8 beans - stay away from the place -let them go to the wall as they deserve - supermarket cafes are never too far away

kev, weston super mare, england

Hi 'H' - After Milton Keynes ANYWHERE has to be an improvement !!!

OZ, Perth,

It sounds like this mess was brought upon youself. There are many hundreds of places to eat and be entertained in the UK without resorting to 'safari' parks and Little Chef. You don't have to eat the beans and egg! If you had to eat there why not order a healthier meal - it's not the 1950's!

Andy, Manchester,

More fool you for buying into this trendy MediaWorld notion.. Why didn't you vote with your feet at the dreadful pub and the Little Chef..? As long as you continue to patronise these places, they'll survive another day.
Despite Jamie Oliver et al, crap food rip-off Britain is alive & well.

Geoff, Bayonne, France

A holiday is a break from work. Do what you like for a week or two. Why go to the hassle of flying/travelling, eating out in dodgy restaurants ?

Stay-vacation at home, Sod the housework and if keeping up with the washing up is too much then order in. Watch the olympics and a few dvds.

merv newman, LARNOD, France

Great article and fascinating comments. How can we really be this grumpy towards our children ? They are our future after all and a reflection of ourselves. Too much self-indulgence and rudeness in britain today from supposed grown ups, is that what the 00's will come to be remembered for ?

Tom, Oxford, England

What do you expect ?
Camping in a tent and eating in a Little Chef.
Quality.

mark , landau, germany

looks like a boom time next year for foreign holidays then

mhepton, silves, portugal

Took grandson (4) to Devon last week. Had a great time! Wandered through woods, rode on tractors, saw otters, had some good meals, found friendly staff. OK it rained as per forecast - so? He enjoyed it - as did we!

Mike , Winchester, UK

' “No children under 10 allowed inside”. I was livid. If a cafe posted a sign saying no disabled people or no black people there would be an outcry'

Disabled and black people aren't noted for their tendency to shriek, throw food and play hide-and-seek under the tables, as many spoilt kids do!

J Davis, Sydney , Australia

Went to the Highlands of Scotland, whilst everyone else was having rain and floods we had 11 sunny days, with 1 rainy morning which forced us off the beach walks and into a lovely museum. Ok, we weren't in the sea itself, but the beach was deserted, and the seals and eagles better than Brits abroad

Katie, Chatham, Kent

Geoff from BC, children are people too. We live in a society that is a mix of small loud (and generally happy) people and old smelly grumpy ones. We have to get along and the young are as valuable as the old. I despair at the anglo-saxon no children philosophy.

Tom, Edo, Japan

We went to Bourton on the Water (Cotswolds) last year and were met by cafe after cafe prohibiting prams which, with three children under 5, rather messed us up. We won't be going there again.

Chris, London, England,

Oddly, Eleanor doesn't seem to understand that other people, too, like to "eat (their) dinner in peace", hence the no-children-under-10 sign!

Geoff Robards, Victoria, B.C.,

Hurrah! I liked your article because it mirrors exactly my own experiences! Disappointing weather, diappointing food and disappointing attitude to children. I'd much rather spend the money on flights to, say, Turkey or Egypt and live cheaply there. People there love kids and the weather's good!

Maria, London, UK

We've had wonderful holidays this year in Scotland and Devon. I can't help thinking that if the restaurant owners have to distract these children before the writer (and presumably other customers) could eat in peace, then the 10 year old limit is probably a very good idea.

Pauline Renton, Camberley, UK

A holiday in Britain is the sensual equivalent of a white guy dancing.

David Alexander, London, England

You are right to go abroad ~ I believe it would be best if all families went there.

Alternatively ~ why not stay at home!

Children often prefer it and mostly these holidays are just parents trying to offload their little darlings on others, at the cheapest possible rate!

Anne Kent, Dorset,

We've done two holidays in the UK this year, with kids. Scotland and Birmingham.

Both were brilliant. Good food, brilliant places to see.

H, Milton Keynes,

Thanks ,I don't miss England quite so much after reading this account of your vacation . US citizen since 1980.

maura, Stony Brook, USA

Well that was an experience - blimey! Must say the only "Holiday from Hell" we experienced when our daughters were little was in good old GB There's a lot to be said for the Med -its so child-friendly, although it would have been more expensive ths year with the Euro being so strong

Kate, Gt Shelford, Cambridge,